"Your call is important to us...."
"Please listen carefully as the following options have changed"
"You are currently seventeenth in the queue - please continue to hold"
"To report an Incidence of Bird Flu, press 1. For all other enquiries including CGI, FETF, K9P, and other rural payment schemes including Northern Ireland, press 2"
"I'm sorry, there is currently no-one available on this extension to take your call. Please hang up and try again later"
The phrase 'I've lost the will to live' also applies here (possibly at option 3?) Hopefully a direct line to the Samaritans can be found on option 4.
However, we have persevered, hung on to the bitter end and after numerous attempts, with many hours on hold and too many stiff drinks to mention, have finally managed to squeeze a little bit of information from gov.uk
This information is basically to help us respond to all those the dairy farmers who have enquired to see if there are any grants available to help them with the purchase of a Batch pasteuriser.
The contact number for Government Grants is 03000 200 301. You then need to select the option for the 'Farming Transformation Fund'.
(Good luck with that - contact with humans at this site is as rare as hen's teeth - even with Avian Flu. There will be at least 5 menu selections you need to safely cross before you even catch sight of the crystal...).
Currently there are no application windows open for dairy farmers. I would advise for you and your customers to subscribe to our farming blog.
(To be fair, new grant schemes do seem to come on the scene reasonably frequently).
As new schemes are launched, this is how we notify customers. Below is the link to where you can subscribe.
We have just subscribed and will keep you updated on our progress.
Every little helps...